outwait outrun outwit


an archive of pleasures, wounds, sublimations
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01.07.05, friday afternoon

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to hate you. I can't understand why you do the things you do. You hide a lot. You take a lot. You don't give; you only offer musty dreams, the useless desires of a moldering past. You have nothing to offer me right now in this exploding ever-present.

Why must you remind me of everything that leaves? Everything that I will lose? Why must I persistently remember the way steam curls away from the factory next door, the sensation of Jimmy's arms wrapped tight around me in the morning, the particularity of a birdcall? After much repetition without echo, all becomes meaningless: lost, buried, decomposed, and finally nothing.

You are almost five years old. And although we have spent a lot of time together, I think we are now at the age where I must leave you alone for awhile, to make something that I can hold in my hands. Something I can smell, open, give.

No hard feelings, okay? Goodbye for now.


. . .

BREAK: "Dreaming that you break something indicates that changes are ahead for you. You want to change the direction that your life is headed. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to take things slower."


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