I'm due for a massive change but I don't know what it is. I mope and fret and hide in closets with books unrelated to work. I think I need to pack my suitcase and go somewhere, as I've always done when some serious phoenixing needs to happen, but I've been traveling so much anyways, up and down the country and to and from London. So I retreat further and further, from friendships and a relation to the city beyond the practical, from all desire to keep up and maintain what seems to me a carapace for some thing that has left and forgot to tell me that it has left, and as I retreat into the darkness beyond the known self, I hope I do not just lose it and prefigure that darkness into an abyss from which there is no return. Dear 16 year old self, is that you?!




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