outwait outrun outwit


an archive of pleasures, wounds, sublimations
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05.05.05, thursday night

As I said to Kat in the fancy cafe on Guerrero, although not as precisely as I will tell you: It is disorienting to be here.

I wasn't wearing the grey heels I wore at the beginning of my journey; I had to switch shoes at Thrifttown--the ones I thought I could trust had wobbly thin heels that got stuck in the sidewalk cracks along Mission . . . and I found these amazing purple suede heels that laced at the ankles, shoes I hadn't expected. I wanted sensible black pumps that I thought, maybe, maybe, I'll take them to work because, after all, I am 27; to decide on sensible shoes for work is a sensible decision for a woman of 27 years. I did find those pumps, but I tossed them when I saw the purple ones even though they looked wobblier than the ones that were gonna sprain my feet if I continued wearing them. Life is like that regardless of what you ("should") want, I think, your disposition (tragic nature?) guides you to certain places, despite whatever warnings, husbands, parents, institutions, common sense, better judgments, expectations, etc.

The shoes were not the only factor behind my discombobulation: the early evening was muggy and gloomy when I thought it would be cold and rainy in that excitingly downpourish lightning-spliced way where one doesn't mind the ruination of certain items of clothing, even if they are suede or silk; everyone is a little more glamorous than they really are and what am I saying, they really are and I just refuse to see them that way because the negativity (my other self) wants to have a word and I tell it, You are blind. You make things boring. You are a buzz kill, man. But then again, a part of me is like, Life is not a buzz, man.

No matter--it is really just disorienting because Kat is leaving and of course I wished I had spent more time getting to know her but she lived in one city and I in another (no more needs to be said); it is really strange to meet a person a third time on the occasion of their departure--and to know that one's own departure is soon, soon, soon, and that very soon, even you will be having these kinds of encounters, thinking of all the other possibly and most likely splendid occasions you could have arraigned. The trajectory of her feet and mine--in different ways and eventual, and to think, so many people in this city! and all in their eventual ways toward departure, whether that be by ship, plane, car, or death!

. . .

For you Virgos, whether by sun, moon, or ascendant: During this time you will experience life with greater emotional intensity than usual. You will feel everything more strongly and deeply. You will want every experience that you encounter to touch your feelings, and they probably will. Your relationships will be more intense, and you will seek out those that allow you to experience yourself very vividly. Although this influence does not make you feel violently aggressive, you will not allow anyone to step on your toes. You make it very clear to others exactly where their limits are in dealing with you, and you will not let them transgress those limits. You are in a fighting spirit in the positive sense, in that you will stand up for what you believe but still be reasonably tolerant of other people's ideas.


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