outwait outrun outwit


an archive of pleasures, wounds, sublimations
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10.21.04, thursday night

As I plan this wedding celebration, I am learning a lot about etiquette. Who to invite. Who to not invite. Who do not wish to be invited. Who will be insulted if I do not invite them, although I do not really agree with their politics or the way they treat people. Who I will insult next, by this impolite mouth of mine. The boundaries of the friendships that I have accumulated in the past seven or so years.

I am afraid of what I will discover in the next few months. Who, like my mother, never really wanted to know me as I am, flawed, awkward, volatile, romantic in an embarrassingly untraditional manner.

Instead of inviting, as an earlier Phil would, the whole world to laugh and drink with me, I am learning to be selective, to be wary, of the world. I am no longer 20 (duh), recklessly free with my heart.


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