Today is like every other day for me, beset by an impossibility to focus. There is so much to draw my attention: the everyday needs and wants of husband and mother-in-law, immediate and long-term responsibilities, several projects that have recently come up, messages and texts and emails that must be returned but aren't until the last minute, not to mention catastrophic heatwaves and the pandemic, of course. God, it all seems equally important, and I keep forgetting to take care of myself, and then when I even have a passing conversation with an acquaintance, it feels like I keep putting my foot in my mouth, and so then that conversation occupies me for the rest of the day. I wish my heart and mind would settle for long enough to devote consummate attention to just one matter.

The other day I took an assessment test for ADHD, and I have all the symptoms, but I hesitate to describe myself in terms of any mental health disorder—not because I think mental health disorders don't exist, only because it feels like I'm searching for a problem as an answer to my problems, rather than just simply solving my problems. As if life, so sticky with awkwardness and complications, is only a problem. Goodness. I must go for a walk after I tick off the 1000+ items on my ever-growing list.




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