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TALES OF AN ORANGEPEELER

an archive of pleasures, wounds, sublimations
& other curiosities :: elsewhere :: profile


10.21.06, saturday afternoon


SOME UNINSURED LOSSES,
or
LOST THANKS TO THE GRADUAL AND NECESSARY DEGRADATION BY TIME, TO BE EXPANDED EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE

a childhood home in Santa Ana, perfected by the biggest oak tree in the neighborhood, newborn kittens next door, a glamorous pilot-uncle, and sofas we bounced upon as Madonna's Lucky Star spun on the record player;

a leather jacket that slipped on like butter, a gold fishscale belt, double-buckled black patent leather heels;

drive-in movie theaters, the thrift emporium outside the south San Francisco Bart, and In-N-Out;

huge topographical maps of the midwest, certain books, an electric typewriter I never used anyway;

cups and cups of chai with So and Shilps and Rini, on their porch in Berkeley;

an entire port, complete with palm trees, rickety-rackety trains, hoboes and yards and yards of graf;

inflexibility;

certain best friends, as well as days when I'd spend hours with them at a cafe or in a bed smoking cigarette after cigarette, deconstructing everything;

adoration of certain writers, once I got over my initial, intense sense of destiny;

ne'er-do-wellness;

"natural" feeling toward family;

love of traditional romances and faery tales like "Griselda", replaced by transgressive romance like "The Counterfeit Marquise" and Almodovar;

leisurely mornings and showers, remembering everything with tears and joy over and over again until the afternoon comes, whereupon I feel embarrassed because I hadn't done anything productive;

mourning by the heater, every morning after my shower every day for a year over everything I never did and everyone I never cared for as much as I loved them or thought I loved them;

a rooftop in Berkeley, for cigarette breaks and glasses of whiskey and "getting away from it all"

acute agoraphobia, more like an uber selfconsciousness of my body moving through space and every sensation it felt as it brushed against every body between lectures, in cafes, on the street at twilight;

that intense glee at being free, finally.







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