God. The husband told me that the sister-in-law and the mother-in-law don't like me. Well, that was obvious.

Anyways, this came out during a drunken discussion with his sister, whereupon the brother-in-law and I fled as soon as we realised it was going to be stupid and messy. It also came out—apparently, as it was reported to me by the husband—that everyone (meaning his mother and sister) is vexed that, because he smokes and we don't have children, I would inherit this-and-that.

WTF, I thought, You can have all of it.

I'd just leave, even without prospects. When I was broke, jobless, and squatting (accidentally) alone in an attic with a family of raccoons, I contemplated whether or not I'd return to San Diego, and I said, No, I wouldn't (for reasons I won't give here). I just wouldn't. I'd rather die on the street. I have been brought to my knees on so many occasions, and every time, nose in the mud, I have said, No, I won't return. Here: I wouldn't stay, as much as I love my friends, certain places, the countryside. I'd give everything away to my nephews and nieces. I'd leave and live in a hut in coastal hinterland with my dog, who loves me, if only for the treats I give him. (I know, how melodramatic of me, but allow me my excesses, dear diary.)

//

Some part of me dies a little, though. I can't help it. I've always been the odd one in groups, whether in my biological family, the diasporic Cambodian community, among Americans, or in Ireland, so I try to be unassuming and genial and helpful. I never bother people with my needs and wants. I expect nothing and accept whatever's going. When the sister-in-law told me to pick up the dog's poo as we sat down for dinner, I did it, because I didn't want to disturb my nephew and niece with a display of anger. As a perpetual outsider (foreigner, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, non-mother), you have to be accommodating, or so I thought until now. But even if you're accommodating, it's never enough for people, or rather, for a certain type of person.

//

Another thought: maybe I'm just a horrible person, and I haven't realised it yet.

//

This situation only reminds me of how different life would be if we had a child.

<<