“Kindness, kindness, kindness.

I want to make a New Year’s prayer. Not a resolution. I’m praying for courage.”—Susan Sontag

Last night I refused to eat dinner. “Tell them I’m sick,” I told the husband. Then the mother-in-law apologised outside the bedroom door: “Eat your dinner.” But I didn’t want to see the faces of the in-laws, knowing what they have said about/to me all year. I didn’t want to shove food in my face, struggling to smile. Sometimes you must refuse to participate. Who are you if you can’t say no?

All last year my confidence and capacity for joy had been chipped away by circumstances (i.e. mother-in-law). This week has been the lowest point of my life among these people. I can’t bear to answer messages or see friends. Today I didn’t walk or read or write in the hours before and after work. I just didn’t care. How can I go on like this?

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